The Principia Discordia
A jug of wine,
A leg of lamb
Be Ye Not Lost Among Precepts of Order…
– The Book of Uterus 1;5
Some excerpts from an interview with Malaclypse the Younger by THE GREATER METROPOLITAN YORBA LINDA HERALD-NEWS-SUN-TRIBUNE-JOURNAL-DISPATCH-POST AND SAN FRANCISCO DISCORDIAN SOCIETY CABAL BULLETIN AND INTERGALACTIC REPORT & POPE POOP.
GREATER POOP: Are you really serious or what?
MAL-2: Sometimes I take humor seriously. Sometimes I take seriousness humorously. Either way it is irrelevant.
GP: Maybe you are just crazy.
M2: Indeed! But do not reject these teaching as false because I am crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true.
GP: Is Eris true?
M2: Everything is true.
GP: Even false things?
M2: Even false things are true.
GP: How can that be?
M2: I don’t know man, I didn’t do it.
GP: Why do you deal with so many negatives?
M2: To dissolve them.
GP: Will you develop that point?
GP: Is there an essential meaning behind POEE?
M2: There is a Zen Story about a student who asked a Master to explain the meaning of Buddhism. The Master’s reply was “Three pounds of flax.”
GP: Is that the answer to my question?
M2: No, of course not. That is just illustrative. The answer to your question is FIVE TONS OF FLAX!
Principia Discordia or How I Found Goddess & What I Did To Her When I found Her being a Beginning Introduction to The Erisian Mysterees Which is Most Interesting
-><- as Divinely Revealed to My High Reverence MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER, KSC Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Virginity in Gold and HIGH PRIEST of THE PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC (POEE) HAIL ERIS! -><- KALLISTI ->
Dedicated to The Prettiest One
The Upstart of one hand clapping
I Tell You: One must
still have chaos in one
to give birth to a
THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS (THE PENTABARF)
The PENTABARF was discovered by the hermit Apostle Zarathud in the Fifth Year of The Caterpillar. He found them carved in gilded stone, while building a sun deck for his cave, but their import was lost for they were written in a mysterious cypher. However, after 10 weeks & 11 hours of intensive scrutiny he discerned that the message could be read by standing on his head and viewing it upside down.
KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!
I – There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
II – A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.
III – A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).
IV – A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.
V – A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.
IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED.
Test Question from Topanga Cabal The Twelve Famous Buddha Minds School: If they are our brothers, how come we can’t eat them?
A ZEN STORY
by Camden Benares, The Count of Five, Headmaster, Camp Meeker Caba
A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled. One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, “go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate.” He did just as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him. His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man was sitting there was. The second replied “Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead.” Hearing this, the man was enlightened.
Western Union Telegram
To: Jehova Yahweh
Care: Celestial Hotel (Suite #666)
Presidential Tier, Paradise
This is to inform you that your current position as deity is herewith terminated due to gross incompetence STOP Your check will be mailed STOP Please do not use me for a reference
Malaclypse the Younger/Omnibenevolent Polyfather
POEE High Priest
- The Earth quakes and the heavens rattle; the beasts of nature flock together and the nations of men flock apart; volcanoes usher up heat while elsewhere water becomes ice and melts; and then on other days it just rains. 11. Indeed do many things come to pass.
HBT; The Book of Predictions, Chap. 19
THE BIRTH OF THE ERISIAN MOVEMENT
Just prior to the decade of the nineteen-sixties, when Sputnik was alone and new, and about the time that Ken Kesey took his first acid trip as a medical volunteer; before underground newspapers, Viet Nam, and talk of a second American Revolution; in the comparative quiet of the late nineteen- fifties, just before the idea of RENAISSANCE became relevant….
Two young Californians, known later as Omar Ravenhurst and Malaclypse the Younger, were indulging in their habit of sipping coffee at an allnight bowling alley and generally solving the world’s problems. This particular evening the main subject of discussion was discord and they were complaining to each other of the personal confusion they felt in their respective lives. “Solve the problem of discord,” said one, “and all other problems will vanish.” “Indeed,” said the other, “chaos and strife are the roots of all confusion.”
First I Must Sprinkle You With Fairy Dust
Suddenly the place became devoid of light. Then an utter silence enveloped them, and a great stillness was felt. Then came a blinding flash of intense light, as though their very psyches had gone nova. Then vision returned.
The two were dazed and neither moved nor spoke for several minutes. They looked around and saw that the bowlers were frozen like statues in a variety of comic positions, and that a bowling ball was steadfastly anchored to the floor only inches from the pins that it had been sent to scatter. The two looked at each other, totally unable to account for the phenomenon. The condition was one of suspension, and one noticed that the clock had stopped.
There walked into the room a chimpanzee, shaggy and grey about the muzzle, yet upright to his full five feet, and poised with natural majesty. He carried a scroll and walked to the young men.
“Gentlemen,” he said, “why does Pickering’s Moon go about in reverse orbit? Gentlemen, there are nipples on your chests; do you give milk? And what, pray tell, Gentlemen, is to be done about Heisenberg’s Law?” He paused.
“SOMEBODY HAD TO PUT ALL OF THIS CONFUSION HERE!“
And with that he revealed his scroll. It was a diagram, like a yin- yang with a pentagon on one side and an apple on the other. And then he exploded and the two lost consciousness.
ERIS – Goddess of Chaos, Discord & Confusion
They awoke to the sound of pins clattering, and found the bowlers engaged in their game and the waitress busy with making coffee. It was apparant that their experience had been private.
They discussed their strange encounter and reconstructed from memory the chimpanzee’s diagram. Over the next five days they searched libraries to find the significance of it, but were disappointed to uncover only references to Taoism, the Korean flag, and Technocracy. It was not until they traced the Greek writing on the apple that they discovered the ancient Goddess known to the Greeks as Eris and to the Romans as Discordia. This was on the fifth night, and when they slept that night each had a vivid dream of a splendid woman whose eyes were as soft as feather and as deep as eternity itself, and whose body was the spectacular dance of atoms and universes. Pyrotechnics of pure energy formed her flowing hair, and rainbows manifested and dissolved as she spoke in a warm and gentle voice:
I have come to tell you that you are free. Many ages ago, My consciousness left man, that he might develop himself. I return to find this development approaching completion, but hindered by fear and by misunderstanding.
You have built for yourselves psychic suits of armor, and clad in them, your vision is restricted, your movements are clumsy and painful, your skin is bruised, and your spirit is broiled in the sun.
I am chaos. I am the substance from which your artists and scientists build rhythms. I am the spirit with which your children and clowns laugh in happy anarchy. I am chaos. I am alive, and I tell you that you are free.
During the next months they studied philosophies and theologies, and learned that Eris or Discordia was primarily feared by the ancients as being disruptive. Indeed, the very concept of chaos was still considered equivalent to strife and treated as a negative. “No wonder things are all screwed up,” they concluded, “they have got it all backwards.” They found that the principle of disorder was every much as significant as the principle of order.
With this in mind, they studied the strange yin-yang. During a meditation one afternoon, a voice came to them:
It is called the Sacred Chao. I appoint you Keepers of It. Therein you will find anything you like. Speak of Me as Discord, to show contrast to the pentagon. Tell constricted mankind that there are no rules, unless they choose to invent rules. Keep close the words of Syadasti: ‘TIS AN ILL WIND THAT BLOWS NO MINDS.
And remember that there is no tyranny in the State of Confusion. For further information, consult your pineal gland.
“What is this?” mumbled one to the other, “A religion based on The Goddess of Confusion? It is utter madness!”
And with those words, each looked at the other in absolute awe. Omar began to giggle. Mal began to laugh. Omar began to jump up and down. Mal was hooting and hollering to beat all hell. And amid squeals of mirth and with tears on their cheeks, each appointed the other to be high priest of his own madness, and together they declared themselves to be a society of Discordia, for what ever that may turn out to be.
“There are trivial truths & there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.”
“Did you know that there is a million bucks hidden in the house next door?” “But there is no house next door.” “No? Then let’s go build one!”
Momomoto, Famous Japanese, can swallow his nose.
St. Trinian’s SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL POLICE Sewing Circle
THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE ERISTOCRACY
by Lord Omar
Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao;
It is hovering o’er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now
Gathered in discussion of the dropping of The Bomb;
Her Apple Corps is strong!
Grand (and gory) Old Discordja!
Grand (and gory) Old Discordja!
Grand (and gory) Old Discordja!
Her Apple Corps is strong!
She was not invited to the party that they held on Limbo Peak;*
So She threw a Golden Apple, ‘sted of turn’d t’other cheek!
O it cracked the Holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak;
Her Apple Corps is strong!
* “Limbo Peak” refers to Old Limbo Peak, commonly called by the Greeks “Ol’ Limb’ Peak.”
If a quixotic socrates studied zen under Zorba…?
“The tide is turning… the enemy is suffering terrible losses”
-Gen. Geo. A. CusterPeople in a Position to Know, Inc.
Mal-2 was once asked by one of his Disciples if he often prayed to Eris. He replied with these words:
No, we Erisians seldom pray, it is much too dangerous. Charles Fort has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with, say, a drought, and then praying fervently — and then getting the entire village wiped out in a torrential flood.
“Of course I’m crazy, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I’m mad but not ill”
(Werewolf Bridge, Robert Anton Wison)
- Wipe thine ass with what is written and grin like a ninny at what is Spoken. Take thine refuge with thine wine in the Nothing behind Everything, as you hurry along the Path.
THE PURPLE SAGE
HBT; The Book of Predictions, Chap. 19
Heaven is down. Hell is up. This is proven by the fact that the planets and stars are orderly in their movements, IGNOTUM PER IGNOTIUS while down on earth The meaning of this is unknown we come close to the primal chaos. There are four other proofs, but I forget them. -Josh the Dill King Kong Kabal
IT IS MY FIRM BELIEF THAT IT IS A MISTAKE TO HOLD FIRM BELIEFS.
The Classical Greeks were not influenced by the Classical Greeks.
DO NOT CIRCULATE!
What We Know About ERIS (not much)
The Romans left a likeness of Her for posterity–She was shown as a grotesque woman with a pale and ghastly look, Her eyes afire, Her garment ripped and torn, and as concealing a dagger in Her Bosom. Actually, most women look pale and ghastly when concealing a chilly dagger in their bosoms.
Her geneology is from the Greeks and is utterly confused. Either She was the twin of Ares and the daughter of Zeus and Hera; or She was the daughter of Nyx, goddess of night (who was either the daughter or wife of Chaos, or both), and Nyx’s brother, Erebus, and whose brothers and sisters include Death, Doom, Mockery, and Friendship. And that She begat Forgetfullness, Quarrels, Lies, and a bunch of gods and goddesses like that.
One day Mal-2 consulted his Pineal Gland* and asked Eris if She really created all of those terrible things. She told him that She had always liked the Old Greeks, but that they cannot be trusted with historic matters. “They were,” She added, “victims of indigestion, you know.”
Suffice it to say that Eris is not hateful or malicious. But She is mischievous, and does get a little bitchy at times.
*THE PINEAL GLAND is where each and every one of us can talk to Eris. If you have trouble activating your Pineal, then try the appendix which does almost as well. Reference: DOGMA I, METAPHYSICS #3, “The Indoctrine of the Pineal Gland”
DIRUIT AEDIFICAT MUTAT QUADRATA ROTUNDUS
THE INSIDE STORY!
The Law of Fives
The Law of Fives is one of the oldest Erisian Mysterees. It was first revealed to Good Lord Omar and is one of the great contributions to come from The Hidden Temple of The Happy Jesus.
POEE subscribes to the Law of Fives of Omar’s sect. And POEE also recognizes the holy 23 (2+3=5) that is incorporated by Episkopos Dr. Mordecai Malignatus, KNS, into his Discordian sect, The Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria.
The Law of Fives states simply that: ALL THINGS HAPPEN IN FIVES, OR ARE DIVISIBLE BY OR ARE MULTIPLES OF FIVE, OR ARE SOMEHOW DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY APPROPRIATE TO 5.
The Law of Fives is never wrong.
In the Erisian Archives is an old memo from Omar to Mal-2: “I find the Law of Fives to be more and more manifest the harder I look.”
Please do not use this document as toilet tissue The Nagas of Upper Burma say that the sun shines by day because, being a woman, it is afraid to venture out at night.
“You will find that the State is the kind of ORGANIZATION which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly too.”
– John Kenneth Galbraith
THE MYTH OF THE APPLE OF DISCORD
It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a trouble maker.*
This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned an apple of pure gold** and inscribed upon it KALLISTI (“To The Prettiest One”) and on the day of the fete She rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be alone and joyously partake of a hot dog.
Now, three of the invited goddesses,*** Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite, each immediately claimed it to belong to herself because of the inscription. And they started fighting, and they started throwing punch all over the place and everything.
Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator must be selected, which was a reasonable suggestion, and all agreed. He sent them to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his mother had had a lot of gaul and had married a Frenchman; but each of the sneaky goddesses tried to outwit the others by going early and offering a bribe to Paris.
Athena offered him Heroic War Victories, Hera offered him Great Wealth, and Aphrodite offered him the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth. Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite’s bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed.
As she had promised, she maneuvered earthly happenings so that Paris could have Helen (the Helen) then living with her husband Menelaus, King of Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War followed when Sparta demanded their Queen back and that the Trojan War is said to be The First War among men.
And so we suffer because of the Original Snub. And so a Discordian is to partake of No Hot Dog Buns.
Do you believe that?
* This is called THE DOCTRINE OF THE ORIGINAL SNUB
** There is historic disagreement concerning whether this apple was of metallic gold or acapulco.
*** Actually there were five goddesses, but the Greeks did not know the Law of Fives.
+———–+ | Remember: | | KING | | KONG | | Died for | | your Sins | +———–+
Ho Chi Zen is King Cong
- An Age of Confusion, or an Ancient Age, is one in which History As We Know It begins to unfold, in which Whatever Is Coming emerges in Corporal Form, more or less, and such times are Ages of Balanced Unbalance, or Unbalanced Balance.
- An Age of Bureaucracy is an Imperial Age in which Things Mature, in which Confusion becomes entrenched and during which Balanced Balance, or Stagnation, is attained.
- An Age of Disorder or an Aftermath is an Apocalyptic Period of Transition back to Chaos through the Screen of Oblivion into which the Age passeth, finally. These are Ages of Unbalanced Unbalance.
HBT; The Book of Uterus, Chap. 3
Do You Remember?
- Polite children will always remember that a church is __________ the __________ of .
An Erisian Hymn
by Rev. Dr. Mungojerry Grindlebone, KOB
Episkopos, THE RAYVILLE APPLE PANTHERS
Onwards Christian Soldiers,
Onwards Buddhist Priests.
Onward, Fruits of Islam,
Fight till you’re deceased.
Fight your little battles.
Join in thickest fray;
For the Greater Glory,
Yah, yah, yah,
Yah, yah, yah, yah.
Mr. Momomoto, famous Japanese who can swallow his nose, has been exposed. It was recently revealed that it was Mr. Momomoto’s brother who has been doing all this nose swallowing.
Heute Die Welt Morgens das Sonnensystem! Abbey of the Barbarous Relic
POEE DISORGANIZATIONAL MATRIX
- V) The House of Apostle of ERIS For the Eristocracy and the Cabalablia
- The Five Apostles of ERIS
- The Golden Apple Corps (KSC)
- Episkoposes of The Discordian Society
- POEE Cabal Priests
- Saints, Erisian Avatars, and Like Personages
- IV) The House of the Rising Podge for the Disciples of Discordia
- Office of My High Reverence, The Polyfather
- Council of POEE Priests
- The LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD
- Eristic Avatars
- Aneristic Avatars
- III) The House of the Rising Hodge For the Bureaucracy
- The Bureau of Erisian Archives
- The Bureau of The POEE Epistolary, and The Division of Dogmas
- The Bureau of Symbols, Emblems, Certificates and Such
- The Bureau of Eristic Affairs, and The Administry for The Unenlightened Eristic Horde
- The Bureau of Aneristic Affairs, and the Administry for the Orders of Discordia
- II) The House of the Rising Collapse For the Encouragement of Liberation of Freedom, and/or the Discouragement of the Immanentizing of the Eschaton
- The Breeze of Wisdom and/or The Wind of Insanity
- The Breeze of Integrity and/or The Wind of Arrogance
- The Breeze of Beauty and/or The Wind of Outrages
- The Breeze of Love and/or The Wind of Bombast
- The Breeze of Laughter and/or The Wind of Bullshit
- I) The Out House For what is left over
- Miscellaneous Avatars
- The Fifth Column
- POEE =POPES= everywhere
- Drawer “O” for OUT OF FILE
- Lost Documents and Forgotten Truths
= THE FIVE FINGERED HAND OF ERIS =
The official symbol of POEE is here illustrated. It may be this, or any similar device to represent TWO OPPOSING ARROWS CONVERGING INTO A COMMON POINT. It may be vertical, horizontal, or else such, and it may be elaborated or simplified as desired.
The esoteric name for this symbol is THE FIVE FINGERED HAND OF ERIS, commonly shortened to THE HAND.
\ / —–>NOTE: In the lore of western magic, the \/ is taken to symbolize horns, especially the horns of Satan or of diabolical beasties. The Five Fingered Hand of Eris, however, is not intended to be taken as satanic, for the “horns” are supported by another set, of inverted “horns”. Or maybe it is walrus tusks. I don’t know what it is, to tell the truth.
“Surrealism aims at the total transformation of the mind and all that resembles it”
-><- POEE ->PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC. The first part can be taken to mean “equivalent deity, reversity beyond-mystique.” We are not really esoteric, it’s just that nobody pays much attention to us.
MY HIGH REVERENCE MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER, AB, DD, KSC, is the High Priest of POEE, and POEE is grounded in his episkopotic revelations of The Goddess. He is called [The Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Virginity in Gold].
The POEE HEAD TEMPLE is the Joshua Norton Cabal of The Discordian Society, which is located in Mal-2’s pineal gland and can be found by temporally and spacially locating the rest of Mal-2.
POEE has no treasury, no by-laws, no articles, no guides save Mal-2’s pineal gland, and has only one scruple–which Mal-2 keeps on his key chain.
POEE has not registered, incorporated, or otherwise chartered with the State, and so the State does not recognize POEE or POEE Ordinations, which is only fair, because POEE does not recognize the State.
POEE has 5 DEGREES:
There is the neophyte, or LEGIONNAIRE DISCIPLE.
The LEGIONNAIRE DEACON, who is catching on.
An Ordained POEE PRIEST/PRIESTESS or a CHAPLIN.
The HIGH PRIEST, the Polyfather.
And POEE =POPE=. POEE LEGIONNAIRE DISCIPLES are authorized to initiate others as Discordian Society Legionnaires. PRIESTS appoint their own DEACONS. The POLYFATHER ordains priests. I don’t know about the =POPES=.
“This book is a mirror. When a monkey looks in, no apostle looks out.”
Application For Membership In the Erisian movement of the DISCORDIAN SOCIETY
- Today’s date Yesterday’s Date 2. Purpose of this application: –membership in : a. Legion of Dynamic Discord b. POEE c. Bavarian Illuminati d. All of the Above e. None of the Above f. Other– BE SPECIFIC! 3. Name Holy Name Address (If temporary, also give an address from which mail can be forwarded) 4. Description: Born: Yes No Eyes:2 other Height: ….. fl. oz. Last time you had a haircut: Reason: Race: horse human I.Q.: 150-200 200-250 250-300 over 300 5. History: Education – highest grade completed 1 2 3 4 5 6 over 6th Professional: On another ream of paper list every job since 1937 from which you have been fired. Medical: On a separate sheet labeled “confidential” list all major psychic psychotic episodes experienced within the last 24 hours. 6. Sneaky Questions to establish personality traits I would rather a. live in an outhouse b. play in a rock group c. eat caterpillars. I wear obscene tattoos because ………. I have ceased raping little children yes no — reason ………. 7. Self Portrait Rev. Mungo For Office Use Only — acc. rej. burned
+——————-+ | LICK HERE!!! | | | | * | | | | (You may be one | | of the lucky 25) | +——————-+
POEE & It’s Priests
If you like Erisianism as it is presented according to Mal-2, then you may wish to from your own POEE CABAL as a POEE PRIEST and you can go do a bunch of POEE Priestly Things. A “POEE Cabal” is exactly what you think it is.
The High Priest makes no demands on his Priests, though he does rather expect good will of them. The Office of The Polyfather is point, not to teach. Once in a while, he even listens.
Should you find that your own revelations of The Goddess become substantially different that the revelations of Mal-2, then perhaps the Goddess has plans for you as an Episkopos, and you might consider creating your own sect from scratch, unhindered. Episkoposes are not competing with each other, and they are all POEE priests anyway (as soon as I locate them). The point is that Episkoposes are developing separate paths to the Erisian mountain top. See the section “Discordian Society”
ORDINATION AS A POEE PRIEST
There are no particular qualifications for Ordination because if you want to be a POEE Priest then you must undoubtedly qualify. Who could possibly know better than you whether or not you should be Ordained?
An ORDAINED POEE PRIEST or PRIESTESS is defined as “one who holds an Ordination Certificate from the Office of the Polyfather.”
Seek into the Chao if thou wouldst be wise And find ye delight in Her Great Surprise! Look into the Chao if thou wantest to know What’s in a Chao and why it ain’t so! (HBT; The Book of Advise, 1:1)
World Council of Churches Boutique
Note to POEE Priests:
The Polyfather wishes to remind all Erisians the POEE was conceived not as a commercial enterprise, and that you are requested to keep your cool when seeking funds for POEE Cabals or when spreading the POEE Word via the market place.
The Hidden stone ripens fast, then laid bare like a turnip can easily be cut out at last but even then the danger isn’t past. That man lives best who’s fain to live half mad, half sane. -Flemish Poet Jan Van Stijevoort, 1524.
The Erisian Affirmation
BEFORE THE GODDESS ERIS, I (name or holyname), do herewith declare myself a POEE BROTHER of THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD. HAIL HAIL HAIL HAIL HAIL ERIS ERIS ERIS ERIS ERIS ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!
the presiding POEE Official (if any) responds:
ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!
find the goddess Eris To Diverse Gods Within your Pineal Gland Do Mortals bow; POEE Holy Cow, and Wholly Chao -Rev. Dr. Grindlebone Monroe Cabal “common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.”This is St. Gulik. He is the Messenger of the Goddess. A different age from ours called him Hermes. Many people called him by many names. He is a Roach Legion of Dynamic Discord HARK RECOGNIZE that the — DISCORDIAN SOCIETY — doth hereby certify As a Legionnaire Glory to We Children of ERIS Presented under the auspices of our Lady of Discord, ERIS by the House of the Apostles of ERIS. ->
HOW TO START A POEE CABAL WITHOUT MESSING AROUND WITH THE POLYFATHER
If you can’t find the Polyfather, or having found him, don’t want anything to do with him, you are still authorized to form your own POEE CABAL and do Priestly Things, using the Principia Discordia as a guide. Your Official Rank will be POEE CHAPLIN for the LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD, which is exactly the same as a POEE PRIEST except that you don’t have an Ordination Certificate. The words you are now reading are your ordination.
HOW TO BECOME A POEE CHAPLIN
- Write the ERISIAN AFFIRMATION in five copies.
- Sign and nose-print each copy.
- Send one to the President of the United States.
- Send one to The California State Bureau of Furniture and Bedding 1021 ‘D’ Street, Sacramento CA 94814
- Nail one to a telephone pole. Hide one. And burn the other. Then consult your pineal gland.
General License was Sgt. Pepper’s Commander
~~ OLD POEE SLOGAN ~~ When in Doubt, Fuck it. When not in Doubt… get in Doubt!
= The POEE Baptismal Rite =
This Mysteree Rite is not required for initiation, but it is offered by many POEE Priests to proselytes who desire a formal ceremony.
1) The Priests and four Brothers are arranged in a pentagon with the Initiate in the center facing the Priests. If possible, the Brothers on the immediate right and left of the Priest should be Deacons. The Initiate must be totally naked, to demonstrate that he is truly a human being and not something else in disguise like a cabbage or something.
2) All persons in the audience and the pentagon, excepting the Priest, assume a squatting position and return to a standing position. This is repeated four more times. This dance is symbolic of the humility of we Erisians.
3) The Priest begins: I, (complete Holy Name, with Mystical Titles, and degrees, designations, offices, etc.), Ordained Priest of the Paratheo-anametamystikhood of Eris Esoteric, with the Authority invested at me by the High Priest of It, Office of the Polyfather, The House of the Rising Podge, POEE Head Temple; Do herewith Require of Ye:
ARE YE A HUMAN BEING AND NOT A CABBAGE OR SOMETHING?
The Initiate answers YES.
THAT’S TOO BAD. DO YE WISH TO BETTER THYSELF?
The Initiate answers YES.
HOW STUPID. ARE YE WILLING TO BECOME PHILOSOPHICALLY ILLUMINIZED?
He answers YES.
VERY FUNNY. WILL YE DEDICATE YESELF TO THE HOLEY ERISIAN MOVEMENT?
The Initiate answers PROBABLY.
THEN SWEAR YE THE FOLLOWING AFTER ME:
(The Priest here leads the Initiate in a recital of THE ERISIAN AFFIRMATION.)
The Priest continues: THEN I DO HERE PROCLAIM YE POEE DISCIPLE (name), LEGIONNAIRE OF THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD. HAIL ERIS! HAIL HAIL! HAIL YES!
4) All present rejoice grandly. The new Brother opens a large jug of wine and offers it to all who are present.
5) The Ceremony generally degenerates.
Mord says that Omar says that we are all unicorns anyway.
DO NOT PULL ON YELLOW TIP
- And though Omar did bid of the Collector of Garbage, in words that were both sweet and bitter, to surrender back the cigar box containing the cards designated by the Angel as The Honest Book of Truth, the Collector was to him as one who might be smitten deaf, saying only: ‘Gainst the rules, y’know.
HBT; The Book of Explanations, Chap 2
Answers: 1. Harry Houdini 2. Swing Music 3. Pretzels 4. 8 months 5. Testy Culbert 6. It protrudes. 7. No vocal cords
THE POEE MYSTEREE OATH
The Initiate swears the following:
FLYING BABY SHIT!!!!!
(Brothers of the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria sect may wish to substitute the German:
WIECZNY KWIAT WTADZA!!!!! which is Ewige Blumenkraft in Polish.)
THE RECENT EXPOSE THAT MR. MOMOMOTO, FAMOUS JAPANESE WHO CAN SWALLOW HIS NOSE, CANNOT SWALLOW HIS NOSE BUT HIS BROTHER CAN, HAS BEEN EXPOSED! IT IS MR. MOMOMOTO WHO CAN SWALLOW HIS NOSE. HE SWALLOWED HIS BROTHER IN THE SUMMER OF ’44.
Corrections to last week’s copy: Johnny Sample is offensive cornerback for the New York Jets, not fullback as stated. Bobby Tolan’s name is not Randy, but mud. All power to the people, and ban the fucking bomb.
“This statement is false” (courtesy of POEE)
NO TWO EQUALS ARE THE SAME!
THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY
The Discordian Society has no definition.
I sometimes think of it as a disorganization of Eris Freaks. It has been called a guerrilla mind theatre. Episkopos Randomfactor, Director of Purges of Our People’s Underworld Movement sect in Larchmont, prefers “The World’s Greatest Association of What-ever-it-is-that-we-are.” Lady Mal thinks of it as a RENAISSANCE THINK TANK. Fang the Unwashed, WKC, won’t say. You can think of it any way you like.
AN EPISKOPOS OF THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY is one who prefers total autonomy, and creates his own Discordian sect as The Goddess directs him. He speaks for himself and for those that say that they like what he says.
THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD: A Discordian Society Legionnaire is one who prefers not to create his own sect.
If you want in on the Discordian Society then declare yourself what you wish do what you like and tell us about it or if you prefer don’t.
There are no rules anywhere. Some Episkoposes The Goddess Prevails. have a one-man cabal. Some work together. Some never do explain. When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride, then I get to the bottom and I see you again! Helter Skelter! -John Lennon “Everybody I know who is right always agrees with ME” -Rev Lady Mal
THE GOLDEN APPLE CORPS
The Golden Apple Corps* is an honorary position for the Keepers of The Sacred Chao, so that they can put “KSC” after their names.
It says little, does less, means nothing.
* Not to be confused with The Apple Corps Ltd. of those four singers. We thought of it first.
– The Numeral V sign –
Used by Old Roman Discordians, Illuminatus Churchill, and innocent Hippies everywhere.
PERPETUAL DATE CONVERTER FROM GREGORIAN TO POEE CALENDAR
- Chaos – Patron Apostle Hung Mung
- Discord – Patron Apostle Dr. Van Van Mojo
- Confusion – Patron Apostle Sri Syadasti
- Bureaucracy – Patron Apostle Zarathud
- The Aftermath – Patron Apostle The Elder Malaclypse
Days of the Week*
- Setting Orange
(* The days of the week are named from the five Basic Elements: sweet, boom, pungent, prickle, and orange)
- A) APOSTLE HOLYDAYS B) SEASON HOLYDAYS 1) Mungday 1) Chaoflux 2) Mojoday 2) Discoflux 3) Syaday 3) Confuflux 4) Zaraday 4) Bureflux 5) Maladay 5) Afflux Each occurs on the 5th Each occurs on the 50th day of the Season day of each Season C) ST. TIB’S DAY – occurs once every 4 years (1+4=5) and is inserted between the 59th and 60th days of the Season of Chaos SM BT PD PP SO SM BT PD PP SO — — — — — — — — — — Jan 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 Chs Jul 5 6 7 8 9 40 41 42 43 44 Cfn 6 7 8 9 10 6 7 8 9 10 10 11 12 13 14 45 46 47 48 49 11 12 13 14 15 11 12 13 14 15 15 16 17 18 19 50 51 52 53 54 16 17 18 19 20 16 17 18 19 20 20 21 22 23 24 55 56 57 58 59 21 22 23 24 25 21 22 23 24 25 25 26 27 28 29 60 61 62 63 64 26 27 28 29 30 26 27 28 29 30 30 31 1 2 3 65 66 67 68 69 31 1 2 3 4 31 32 33 34 35 Aug 4 5 6 7 8 70 71 72 73 1 Bcy Feb 5 6 7 8 9 36 37 38 39 40 9 10 11 12 13 2 3 4 5 6 10 11 12 13 14 41 42 43 44 45 14 15 16 17 18 7 8 9 10 11 15 16 17 18 19 46 47 48 49 50 19 20 21 22 23 12 13 14 15 16 20 21 22 23 24 51 52 53 54 55 24 25 26 27 28 17 18 19 20 21 25 26 27 28* 1 56 57 58 59 60 29 30 31 1 2 22 23 24 25 26 Mar 2 3 4 5 6 61 62 63 64 65 Sep 3 4 5 6 7 27 28 29 30 31 7 8 9 10 11 66 67 68 69 70 8 9 10 11 12 32 33 34 35 36 12 13 14 15 16 71 72 73 1 2 Dsc 13 14 15 16 17 37 38 39 40 41 17 18 19 20 21 3 4 5 6 7 18 19 20 21 22 42 43 44 45 46 22 23 24 25 26 8 9 10 11 12 23 24 25 26 27 47 48 49 50 51 27 28 29 30 31 13 14 15 16 17 28 29 30 1 2 52 53 54 55 56 Apr 1 2 3 4 5 18 19 20 21 22 Oct 3 4 5 6 7 57 58 59 60 61 6 7 8 9 10 23 24 25 26 27 8 9 10 11 12 62 63 64 65 66 11 12 13 14 15 28 29 30 31 32 13 14 15 16 17 67 68 69 70 71 16 17 18 19 20 33 34 35 36 37 18 19 20 21 22 72 73 1 2 3 Afm 21 22 23 24 25 38 39 40 41 42 23 24 25 26 27 4 5 6 7 8 26 27 28 29 30 43 44 45 46 47 28 29 30 31 1 9 10 11 12 13 May 1 2 3 4 5 48 49 50 51 52 Nov 2 3 4 5 6 14 15 16 17 18 6 7 8 9 10 53 54 55 56 57 7 8 9 10 11 19 20 21 22 23 11 12 13 14 15 58 59 60 61 62 12 13 14 15 16 24 25 26 27 28 16 17 18 19 20 63 64 65 66 67 17 18 19 20 21 29 30 31 32 33 21 22 23 24 25 68 69 70 71 72 22 23 24 25 26 34 35 36 37 38 26 27 28 29 30 73 1 2 3 4 Cfn 27 28 29 30 1 39 40 41 42 43 31 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Dec 2 3 4 5 6 44 45 46 47 48 Jun 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 7 8 9 10 11 49 50 51 52 53 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 12 13 14 15 16 54 55 56 57 58 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 17 18 19 20 21 59 60 61 62 63 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 22 23 24 25 26 64 65 66 67 68 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 27 28 29 30 31 69 70 71 72 73 30 1 2 3 4 35 36 37 38 39 [1991 = 3157] [Next St. Tibs Day in 3158]
Discordians have a tradition of assuming HOLY NAMES. This is not unique to Erisianism, of course. I suppose that Pope Paul is the son of Mr. and Mrs. VI?
And also TITLES OF MYSTICAL IMPORT.
Will whoever stole Brother Reverend Magoun’s pornography please return it.
THE BEARER OF THIS CARD IS A GENUINE AND AUTHORIZED ~ POPE ~ So please Treat Him Right GOOD FOREVER Genuine and authorized by The House of Apostles of ERIS
Every man, woman and child on this Earth is a genuine and authorized Pope Reproduce and distribute these cards freely- POEE Head Temple, San Francisco A =POPE= is someone who is not under the authority of the authorities.For Your Enlightenment.
THE PARABLE OF THE BITTER TEA
by Rev. Dr. Hypocrates Magoun, P.P. POEE PRIEST, Okinawa Cabal
When Hypoc was through meditating with St. Gulik, he went there into the kitchen where he busied himself with preparing the feast and in his endeavor, he found that there was some old tea in a pan left standing from the night before, when he had in his weakness forgot about its making and had let it sit steeping for 24 hours. It was dark and murky and it was Hypoc’s intention to use this old tea by diluting it with water. And again in his weakness, chose without further consideration and plunged into the physical labor of the preparations. It was then when deeply immersed in the pleasure of that trip, he had a sudden loud clear voice in his head saying “it is bitter tea that involves you so.” Hypoc heard the voice, but the struggle inside intensified, and the pattern, previously established with the physical laboring and the muscle messages coordinated and unified or perhaps coded, continued to exert their influence and Hypoc succummed to the pressure and he denied the voice.
And again he plunged into the physical orgy and completed the task, and Lo as the voice had predicted, the tea was bitter.
“The Five Laws have root in awareness.” –Che Fung (Ezra Pound, Canto 85) The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for them that believe in it. Further, the lowest Rung in Hell is reserved for them that believe in it on the supposition that they’ll go there if they don’t. HBT; The Gospel According to Fred, 3:1
A SERMON ON ETHICS AND LOVE
One day Mal-2 asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said YES?
“O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!”
WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON’T SOUND WELL.
“I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe.”
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?
“But nobody Wants it! Everybody hates it.”
- WELL, THEN STOP.
At which moment She turned herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather stranded alone with his species.
SINISTER DEXTER HAS A BROKEN SPIROMETER.