“The biggest struggle beyond the very obvious physical struggle (which was the cancer and her passing away), was a secondary narrative that was happening at the same time. There was this struggle between religiosity and secularism, and what I mean by that is, my mom, as she approached death and felt the fear come over her of leaving the rest of us behind, clung more to religion and got more involved in this particular church that we started going to. I was actually going in the other direction; I was becoming much less religious.

I grew up being a Christian, but I was actually at the age when I began questioning all of those things and finding a lot of inconsistencies with things that I grew up being taught. I was cleaning the slate off, and I wanted to start with a blank page and re-write what I thought as an adult now going into my college years. At the same time, my mom was filling in the slate with more and more beliefs.

The part of the whole process that made it so complicated was that we were not only splitting physically, but also splitting spiritually and emotionally because we didn’t see things the same way anymore. Beliefs, especially religious ones, are strong bonding factors between human beings. It’s very difficult when someone as innately close as my mom and I were going in such different directions on that plane of belief. That is where I was starting from when writing the song. I wanted to express that tearing apart on all levels, physically and spiritually. That’s why the song is called ‘God Went North.’

It was a battle to be honest with myself and honest with my mom. I knew that her beliefs were different than mine, but I didn’t know if she was just clinging to them out of fear. At the same time, I wanted to be supportive, so there were moments where I just kind of caved in and acted like I believed something because she was so down in the dumps. It was a hard thing to navigate, because I didn’t want to become a fake person to the one person that I had always been the most real with, and who knew me better than anybody.”

– Jonny Hawkins

Nothing More – God Went North

A hospital bed
A room filled with flowers
Every monitor beep keeps the time
As I count down the hours
The petals they weep
They’re uprooted like me
Cut from the cord of their mother
Who created everything

If You won’t save her
Please just take her away

She pulls me close
Says that she loves me
That she wishes to still be around
On the day that I marry
Tightly she holds
But the plan still unfolds
Cutting the cord from the mother
Who gave me everything

If You won’t save her
Please just take her
Nothing breaks her away
From the promise of a better day

This is your moment of glory
Hallelujah

It may feel like God went north
And left you to be
But all you need to know
Is you have everything you need
It’s just a blink of an eye
Until the next time we meet
I’ll hold you ’til the end
I’ll hold you ’til you’re free

If You won’t save her
Please just take her
Nothing breaks her away
Because she’ll keep holding on

I’ll hold you ’til the end

Songwriters: HOFFMAN WILL B / HAWKINS JONATHAN TAYLOR / VOLLELUNGA MARK ANTHONY / OLIVER DANIEL

God Went North lyrics © Downtown Music Publishing LLC, No More Names Music, So Many Names Music, No More Names, CEPHAS